Unilever: Slice it Dice it Gulp it
There is a saying in India: The most talked about thing in an Indian funeral is Tea followed by God. Indians love tea, and they cannot say no to it even at a funeral. It is deeply ingrained in our culture. But there’s an emerging rebel section that labels tea as unhealthy and addictive. Not only that, they have secretly started worshipping another lord: Coffee. It is classy and global, it is easy to make, and it is not just another tea. In 2008, Unilever decided to deal with these disbelievers strategically. It knew the rebels are strong as long as they are together. United, they are strong, divided they fall. So a team in Unilever’s headquarter gathered to devise the slicing plan. They kept the plan a secret for the last decade. Luckily, I intercepted it when I was in one of their corporate bastion- Business school. Let's start spilling the beans then Arrrrr…. Let’s start spreading the leaves then:
1. Age group below 20: This age group is good for nothing and wants nothing in return from their life. Almost everyone in this age group has just one dream: becoming a cricketer. It is easiest to set up bait when the target has such innocence. Unilever projected, “Hey, drink my tea to get the energy that makes you play 14 hours a day”. And they started gulping 4 cups a day.
2. Age group 20–30: This age group feels they have an experience of a 200-year-old monk and know everything that is going around in the world. They got enlightenment sleeping under a banyan tree and are now trying to convince the world how tough their journey of enlightenment has been. Unilever caught them in a trap woven by this age group only: “Hey, you have worked hard enough and now need some rest. Why don’t you take the tea that I have? It’d help you refreshing yourself before the next big project you are going to work upon”.
3. Age group 30–40: This age group believes after putting in all the hard work in the last decade, they got nothing in return. On introspection, they realize that they were probably sleeping under the banyan tree rather than meditating. And they need to take full ownership of the available time. They need to double down their efforts now to make up for the lost decade. You might overhear them saying, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll give my 200% and win this game”. Unilever grabbed the opportunity saying, “ Oh my dear, Push yourself to the limits, but please don’t forget to take good care of your health. Wait, I have one thing for you- Lipton Immunity booster tea. Wish you luck for your goals”.
4. Age group 40–50: This age group believes that their life has been a farce. Somewhere, they envy the youngs now for the time and energy that Unilever’s tea has made available for them. But they know the ones currently in their 20s will soon reach their 40s with empty hands- just like they did. You might overhear them giggling, “We also had huge dreams in our yesteryears just like these 20s kids are having. The reality hits hard only when you reach your 40s and realize the importance of real things that matter. Yaar, but they look so young and fresh, unlike my wrinkled face”. Unilever enters the scene, “ Did someone say wrinkles? I have a tea- you know for what- that acts as anti-aging”.
5. Age group 50 or higher: This age group now knows that Unilever has been scamming all these years. You might overhear them saying, “You know what, I knew of Unilever’s evil plans all this while. I was goofing around. Now, all I want is to relive my good old childhood days- when I had a single dream to become a cricketer. I can score a hundred against Wasim Akram even today. Having unhealthy Unilver tea all these years have made me weak at my heart and knees”. Unilever got to know of this complaint, “Sir, we are sorry for your loss but you can still achieve your childhood dream by having our…”
